Shades of Winter
by PhaiFan
Summary: Hephaestion does not enjoy the Hindu Kush at all. These are his thoughts on the matter.


**Hephaestion does not enjoy the Hindu Kush at all. These are his thoughts on the matter.**

**As usual, I do not own the movie, the characters, or anything else. For the record, I would be more than happy to warm poor Hephaestion!**

**Rating: K+**

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><p>I hate snow. There, I said it. All those who think it beautiful to look at may kindly shove it. I have been riding in this stuff for what seems like an eternity. I would guess it to be a foot deep or more on this path, far deeper to the sides. The damned stuff is all over everything and even down inside my boots.<p>

Just to reiterate, I hate snow.

Everything here is white. The ground. The sky. The mountains. Me (since I am covered with the aforementioned substance). My horse. The man in front of me. His horse. You get the picture. Even my breath is white in this frigid air.

I hate the color white.

Wait, is white a color? No matter. I hate it anyway.

I suppose technically the mountains and rocks along this passage are grey. But is that not just a darker shade of white? Foul color, grey.

I do not like ice either. It coats everything that is not covered by the snow. It clings to my furs, and I think that my beard is covered with it to. I hate this beard. If I were in a nice warm place with a bath and a few luxuries, I would not have the blessed thing. Unfortunately, it has been some time since I have been able to shave and clean myself up properly. I am starting to look like Cleitus. Zeus help me.

We still have half a day's ride ahead of us to get to the camp that Craterus has set up in advance. At least that is the plan. I hope that his scouting party made it to the other side of this wretched rock. And hopefully there are tents and warm fires waiting for us in the valley between this horrible mountain and the next.

Of course, for all I know, he and his party could be buried somewhere under all this damned snow. We would never find them if they were.

Wonderful. More of the damned stuff is falling. Big, fat, ugly flakes. I swear they are laughing at me. Perhaps that is the gods laughing at us. For being foolish enough to come here in the first place.

I do not like it here. Have I made that clear enough? I want to go home. I want to be back in Babylon. I want my silk robes, my warm bath, my comfy couch, and some entertainment. I would even be happy to see that troll Bagoas at the moment. Gods…I really am losing my senses. I want good wine, and good food. Food. Ah, that is another story. I cannot stomach any more stale and frozen rations. The few times we have stopped to make a fire have been mostly about not freezing to death. Our food was warmed just enough to eat it, then we were off again.

Did I mention that it is extremely cold as well? No? Well…it is. And I do not like that either. I cannot feel my fingers any more. I think my toes are numb. By Zeus, I think my whole body is numb. My ass would probably hurt from sitting on my horse for so long, but I would not know. It is numb, too. Certain other parts of my anatomy have gone into hiding. Unlike Prometheus, cold is NOT a friend to man.

By the gods,…are we there yet? Yes, I am aware I am whining, and I sound like Cassander. At present, I do not much care.

On whom can I blame this whole mess? Well, besides the obvious. Let's see…I suppose I could blame this whole situation on Darius. If he had not been such a coward and fled east, this may not have been necessary. If he had stood and fought like a man, we would most likely have given him an opportunity to surrender. End of story. As it was, he slipped away…the coward…when we had to turn back to help Parmenion. No, I do not blame Parmenion. He fought well but was simply outnumbered.

No, I place the blame solely on Bessus himself. The little "deal" he offered concerning Darius was not acceptable. It was a no-win situation for us. It was best to let him kill Darius for us, but then that left us with no choice but to come after him. He did not expect us to continue east, and the old fool named himself King. There can only be one king of Persia…and we all know who that is to be.

Oh, I understand why we are here. Complain as I might, it is a strategically brilliant move. Bessus no doubt thinks, as do most, that only a madman would try to cross these mountains at this time of year. He really has no idea who he is dealing with, that much is clear.

Bessus no doubt expects us to come from the West, where he has his formidable mounted archers. There would be no safe passage for us there. And thus, this horrid place is unguarded.

No, it is not a madman who is ready to ambush Bessus. It is a man with the best military mind I have ever seen, and one who never loses a battle (except to my thighs of course, but that is another story entirely). I digress.

So…on to Bactria we go. I am sure none there expect us so soon, and certainly not from this direction. Victory is almost assured. Yes, the brilliance of our leader is unmatched.

So, here we are. Trudging through this damnable snow, slipping on ice, eating frozen rations, and freezing our asses off.

On the positive side, I have learned a few things. I have learned that it is possible to write your name in the snow with your pee, as Ptolemy and Perdiccas so joyfully demonstrated. Valuable knowledge to be sure. I have learned that when the ice in your furs begins to thaw, you smell like Peritas after a roll the stables. I have learned that as your frozen flesh thaws, it burns and itches like crazy. I am covered with scratch marks, and not the good kind I sometimes have from playtime with the joys of Eros. I have learned that is best not to remove your boots when they are frozen, for you cannot get them back on. Also, I have learned…

Oh, what is this? Our fearless leader has his hand up for us to stop. It seems we are taking a brief break to stretch our legs and perhaps eat a bite.

It is a relief to slide down off Castor's back. This is a very difficult trip for them as well and I am sure he is glad to be rid of me for a short time.

I see several of the men building a fire in a small alcove, sheltered from the biting wind that never stops blowing up here. Fire. I never thought I would love something so much as I do right now. I cannot wait to thaw my frozen ass!

Ouch! Damn…what the…..

Oh, cute. Very cute. I have just been hit in the back of the head with a large ball of snow. Gee, I wonder where that came from. I see the arrogant brat grinning at me from behind Bucephalus' neck.

Fine, if that is how we are to play it…

Oh yes, that is the other thing I learned. Snow makes a great weapon in defending against certain golden-haired pests.

Bessus can wait. I have other battles to fight just now.

I gather up a ball of snow and take my aim. It is SO on…


End file.
